Joke 1 (February – Week 1)

Chua Soi Lek quit politics after his sex scandal. Since he had a talent for pumping, he decided he will go into the petrol business. There, he reckons he can still pump a little, and for once be paid for it.

As a politician, he had talent. But selling petrol wasn’t something he was trained for so sales was slow. One day, he decided to put up a promotion to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Soon Zam pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. Doc Chua told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Zam guessed 8, and Doc Chua said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”

A week later, Zam, along with his UMNO friend Khairy, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. Doc Chua again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Zam guessed 2 this time. Doc Chua said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, Khairy said to Zam, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Zam replied, “No it ain’t, KJ. It’s not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week.”

Joke 1 (February – Week 2)

A cowboy named Bong was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Sarikei, Sarawak during the Chinese New Year holidays, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young Malay man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and Y SL tie, leans out the window and asks Bong, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Bong looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to Bong the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bong.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bong says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly who you are, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re Khairy, Deputy Leader of UMNO youth and son-in-law to Pak Lah”, says Bong.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered confident Bong.

“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

Joke 3 (February – Week 3)

Two fleas from Kuala Lumpur had an agreement to meet every December in Langkawi for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Langkawi he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death! The other flea asks him, “What the hell happened to you?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from Kuala Lumpur in the moustache of a guy on a Harley. His moustache was fake. I heard his friends called him Hisham”.

Apparently he must be referring to Hishammudin, our UMNO Youth Chief. After his Kris raising event at the recent UMNO General Assembly, he got a lot of flak from the other races. To disguise himself, he pasted a fake mostache and swapped his car for a Harley.

The other flea responds saying,” That’s the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the KLIA airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.”

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next December holiday.

A year goes by…when the first flea shows up in Langkawi; he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death. The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?”

Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said…I went to the KLIA airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy Hisham on the Harley.”

Joke 4 (February – Week 4)

Somebody farted during the inquiry.

Inquiry officer asked Tengku Adnan first: Did you fart?

Adnan replied: You must be drunk or mad.

the officer then asked Dr Mahathir: Did you fart?

Mahathir answered: I don’t remember. Anyway it’s my prerogative to fart and I don’t have to answer to anybody.

He then asked Eusoff Chin: Did you fart?

Eusoff Chin answered: If anyone wants to fart, what can I do?

The officer then turned to Lingam: Did you fart?

Lingam replied: Sounds like mine, smells like mine ……….but…