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Dummies’ Guide To Be A Politician (In Malaysia)


I bet you guys know this better than me. We are suffocated with the remarks by our ministers everyday in the newspapers, electronic medias especially when there are ‘hot’ issues around. The frequency of comments by minister will be usually high before and during ‘erection’ time if you happened to notice.

The rest of the time, they will only make their voice heard again when some incidents happened such as multiple deaths because of car accidents, fire, floods, landslides or when some reports came out highlighting the mismanagement of government projects, fund, buildings or high profile criminal cases that shocked the nation such as child rapes and murders, bla bla.. well you get the drift.

Oh ya they will also make some comments when they are going to increase the price of things such as toll rates, oil price, chicken price, flour price – things we consider necessities, that any price changes will greatly affect our pocket.

So as a successful politician how do you explain to the rakyat or how do you response to certain incidents, issues especially in Malaysia to ensure your political survival?

Here I proudly present to you the tried and tested ‘default’ speeches, comment and opinions that proved successful in Malaysia.

Success stories including famous politicians like Mr. Samy.V (he has been there for you know how long, definitely best student material, his unrivaled record said for himself), Mr. Nazri A, Mr. Syed A.. and so on. (It will be wasting my time typing out all the names and some choose to remain anonymous.. yeah you know..)

p/s : I was googling around for some past quotes and information, I found out somebody already wrote on this topic, so I blatantly plagiarized his post here, credited him and added bit of my craps. Yes, you can read the original post here.

The title of the post is ‘A Dummies’ Guide On How To Behave Like A Malaysian Politician In Time Of Crisis‘, damn good one I copied part of his post for you guys to read here :

1. When faced with a crisis, try avoiding the media or the Parliament. A good way to do it is to go for overseas conference (in place of your junior staff) or decide for a “serious-sounded” surgery (serious sounded = minor surgery but the medical term used is too bombastic)
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2. Form an “independent” body to investigate the cause of the crisis even though 95% of Malaysian already know the actual cause, the culprits and steps to remedy. This way, you can always say “wait for the outcome of the investigation” whilst brushing aside the questions & allegations. To be on the safe side, head the “independent” body yourself – this way you can control the pace of the investigation.
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3. Show the people who is the boss around (but make sure discard this attitude during elections – during election, you are the “servant” of the rakyat) and arrogantly inform the media that the people have “accepted” the outcome of the investigation even though the outcome sounded almost like a cover-up.
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4. Clown around during Parliament session but be quick to shoot down any motion by any Opposition MP to discuss on the crisis – once again use the “independent” investigating body as an excuse
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5. No matter how busy you are – always make sure that you are among the first few who are greeting the PM at the airport from his overseas trip. Once the PM has made the decision, kick-in into high gear and start working on the decision. Disregard the fact that the PM’s decision should have been made by you in the first place, long time ago.
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6. Use the “God” element – either say it is an act of God or use the Holy Scriptures to swear in front of the media. Simple reason – no one can questions God. A public hugging and crying will add the “ommpphh” to your acting, so don’t mind doing it couple times (even better if it is done during a major celebrations such as the National Day).
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7. Rely on Malaysians’ short term memory – give it a month or two and the public will regard it as “old news”. You can count on it! You can then safely sweep the crisis under the carpet and get on with your life.

Apart from his tips, please memorise the lines below, you can use it repeatedly depending on the situation. Best to use it just once and change to other lines with the same meaning to avoid looking dumb.

1. We will investigate…

2. Cuplrits will be punished….

3. I am still waiting for the reports…..

4. No comment. The case is still under investigation..

5. We will look into this matter…

6. We will form an independent panel/committee/body to…..(Check out this)

7. We are lucky compare to… (insert Ghana, Indonesia or any countries that are considered ‘inferior’ or less lucky in the particular issues)

8. Mana ada? Saya tidak tahu.. (Where got? I do not know…)

9. Actually.. <insert object eg. UM, Malaysia, Sarawak> is better this year compare to <insert any time less better> as we… (another comparison use for justification)

10. We are not in the business of cheating the people..

11. So, after listening to the complaint, I said we would study the matter, never did I say that we would take action….

12. We have concluded the investigation. Due to the lack of evidences……. no case.

13. Malaysia still has the… lowest, cheapest, fastest, biggest…..

and so on.. I will add to the list when we have more inputs from our beloved politicians.. 🙂

Please refresh my mind if you remember any typical answer or reply we always get from our politicians.

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7 Responses to “Dummies’ Guide To Be A Politician (In Malaysia)”

  1. clementwong wrote on Oct 18, 2007 at 6:41 pm

    hahahaha… so true

    [Reply]

  2. d'Fish wrote on Oct 18, 2007 at 8:24 pm

    very well said bro. the only time i read the papers s when i need a good fiction story for some laughs… like the bocor incident.. nothing much from the media that i can gain or use to better my intellectual… only crap stuff on what or who our minister shaking hands with.

    [Reply]

  3. zewt wrote on Oct 18, 2007 at 9:56 pm

    everything is just so fucked up eh… when will this country ever change? do we really need a nation-level catastrophe to really make things happen?

    [Reply]

  4. keeyit wrote on Oct 19, 2007 at 2:33 pm

    salute.. so true !

    [Reply]

  5. bongkersz wrote on Oct 20, 2007 at 2:52 pm

    forgot to add this.. the most useful line. ladies and gentleman…I present to you..

    “the press has misquoted me”

    Simple.. easy..

    [Reply]

  6. KidPieces wrote on Oct 24, 2007 at 7:49 am

    haha..really like this entry. will stumble upon yours sometimes again 😛

    [Reply]

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