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A confession of a recovering addict


I have a fickle mind. It is a weakness. Sometimes I can’t be sure what I really want. For instance, I will try many shirts and pants before deciding what I want to wear. When I buy something, I will scrutinize and test everything before I decide, or I may end up not buying. Indecisiveness. I think some who knows me well can testify for that.

I am also the person that when I want something, I want it at that time, if possible. I do not like to wait when I can get it/do it and this is another weakness. I always do things hastily and sometimes I didn’t put much thought and consideration when doing it. Spur of the moment thing. Yeah, carpe diem heh? Seize the moment by the balls. For some people it is spontaneous and fun, but after much self evaluations and reflections, there are many things that I regretted doing. If I could turn back time, yes I would change all that. I never talk much about things that I regretted doing, only to people I really close with. Perhaps it is time to share some stories.

I am a recovering addict. Yes, you hear that right. I published a post on addiction where I wrote:

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.

“All sin tends to be addictive, and the terminal point of addiction is what is called damnation”

Every form of addiction is bad, and all sin tends to be addictive, and the terminal point of addiction is what is called damnation. How true. I am damned now :wink: So, what exactly I was addicted to? No, it is not drug. Not sex either. Well I am not so sure about the latter one. :grin:

I was a gambling addict. I came to realise that all this time, I was a gambler. Perhaps it started when I was a kid. My dad was a gambler. We had a difficult life back then because of this. I despised him for this, but somehow I ended following his path. Ironic. No I never blame him, I sort of understand his predicament now, putting myself in his shoes. He is a good father. I blame myself, for I should know better with my the brain that I have.

I started gambling early. I remember stealing coins from my mother’s bag. She was working as a bus conductor at that time and she always keep a big amount of coins.  I would steal RM5-RM10 (it was a lot for a 10 years kid at that time) and went to my friend’s place to gamble. I lose many times and I stole more money from my mother, eventually she caught me stealing and gave me a very stern warning. I remember she was holding a butcher’s knife in her hand and a paper on another hand telling me to write a ‘statutory declaration’ and swore an oath to never steal again or she would chop my hands off. The ‘statutory declaration’ was pasted on my room, as a reminder. I never dare to steal again after that.

During university time, I started to dabble in soccer gambling. It started with World Cup where I would chip RM20-RM50 for each match. It was a periodic thing at first, then after knowing some friends with access to bookies, it becomes more frequent. Still, it was not that bad because I never had my own gambling account and I had little money to spare at that time.

Fast forward to the time when I started working. A year after working, long story cut short, a friend asked me whether I want to open a gambling account, which me at that time thought “Yeah, why not. Just for fun”. Of course it is great when you win, but sure it is nothing fun when you lose. At that time I was doing good, decent salary, nothing much to spend and pay. Since I had my own gambling account, well it becomes a habit to log on to the website and put a bet. At first, I just bet on major leagues, such as English Premier League, Spain La Liga and Italy Serie A. Then I started to bet on any match available at anytime. Arab leagues, Japan leagues, Thailand leagues, Mexico leagues, Sweden, Norway, Paraguay, Brazil, Under-18, Under-21, friendly matches, woman football, basketball, tennis…. you name it. There are so many matches to bet and I just went crazy, sitting in front of the computer putting my bet. If I was away from computer, I was betting using my mobile. Yes, they have WAP sites for you to check your account and bet.

Was it bad?  Hmm.. how about 24/7 on your phone checking the match results and betting amounting to 10-20k a night? I bet without fail days and nights. Thing is when, for many gamblers, when you lose a bet, you started to bet more and more. I was on winning streak at one time and even the bookie was owing me money. It was a euphoric feeling, making you feel high and invicible. You started to think, why I need to work if I can earn a month salary in few days or a night? You have no motivation to work.

Then things went downhill. I started to lose a lot of money and owing the bookies. Well, worry not. I had credit cards. I did cash advance to pay off my debts. Then all my credit cards went burst. Nevemind, I went to borrow personal loan to settle my debts, I borrowed from friends. Then I continue to bet.  During that period of time, I was sort of like in a ‘trance’.  Dazed and possesed. I refused to admit I was addicted when confronted by people that cares about me. Things then went from bad to worst. By the time I was ‘awake’, I was heavily in debt amounting to 5 figures. I had to cancel (well actually the banks suspended and cut off) my credit cards. My financial status went haywire. My monthly salary, 2/3 of it went to pay off bookies and banks. Well if you ask me now, I have no idea how I survived that period.

I am still paying off my debts now, mostly credit cards. I still owe some of my friends. I feel like a loser, an asshole when I think about this. I seldom talk about this, really. I stop gambling since late last year and well, there were times I still want to give it a shot, to strike gold.. What a laughable and stupid thinking, coming from a person like me. I am glad I am stronger now. I have wasted a lot of time. My financial health is improving and I hope by next year I can start fresh and close this dark chapter of my life behind. I am teribbly sorry for the things I have done and the troubles I caused to people around me. I owe you people, a lot. Thanks for reading 🙂

**********************************************

Hmm, I actually wanted to write about my new tattoo design and started it with how a fickle minded person I am, keep changing the designs even after I inked it. But I end up something totally unrelated with my original post.:roll: Ah, reading this blog, you should know how often I always went off the cliff when I write. :lol:

My 1st tattoo, it was inked on spur of the moment decision. Not good. I went for cover-up/touch up. Slightly better, but I still do not like it very much. So for the last 2 days, I decided to take the matter into my own hands (literally) and revamped the design again. I never regretted the decision to get inked, despite some ‘minor hiccups’ because I love it very much.

1st tattoo – done hastily.

After re-touched job.

Now I’m thinking to get it revamped again. Ahaks!

ps: I do not need your lectures, so save it. I just need to get it out my system. Fuh.. lega.

pss: You do not see this coming from me, do you? Now you shall change your perception of me, again.

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41 Responses to “A confession of a recovering addict”

  1. angeles wrote on Jul 24, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    no wonder so serious tadi… 🙂

    abt the fickle minded part – hey, i thot that’s a woman thing! 😀

    here’s to a better financial health *yam seng*

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  2. nono wrote on Jul 24, 2008 at 5:35 pm

    hmm.. nice thing to ponder upon.. and ada good lesson too :up: but i laughed out loud when i read at the part you were caught red handed by your mum cus you curi her duit and about the oath to never steal again or your mum would chop your hands off!

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah…

    and about the tattoo, i think your latest design for the final touch-up looks like borneo’s tribal art punya motif. terlalu arty… and it’s kind of ‘crowded’ as well.. you need to buang a lil bit part2 overly lengkuk2 ya.. but if you rasa okey, just proceed with it.. heheheheheh.. this is just a third party punya thought.. 😉

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  3. suituapui wrote on Jul 24, 2008 at 7:14 pm

    “Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you going to do now and do it. ”
    — William Durant (Founder of General Motors) It is fine to realise one’s mistakes…but the trouble is many keep making them! As long as you’re not like that, then u’re on the right track!!! Perhaps we should talk about this sometimes. I’m a good listener.

    And yes, I agree with nono. The latest design is overcrowded…not nice! I think the present one is just right. Beauty in simplicity!

    …But shouldn’t u think of saving ur money to settle matters first before spending on such things? Putting that down as impulse or being fickle-minded is such a lame excuse. If you have money to spare, give it to ur mum…maybe for her birthday. Need not be much but it will mean the world to her and I’m sure she deserves it after all she went thru to bring u up!!!

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  4. willchua wrote on Jul 24, 2008 at 10:00 pm

    Honestly I would like the 1st tattoo. I’m wondering how the heck did tattoo and gambling are connected. Wait…did someone bet with u on that tattoo? LOL

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  5. Clare wrote on Jul 24, 2008 at 10:31 pm

    Second tattoo best! Garang and manly. The new design a bit messy and like how Suituapui put it, overcrowded. Cheers! 😆

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  6. Sarawak Laksa wrote on Jul 24, 2008 at 11:02 pm

    Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Soren Kierkegaard

    i like this quote so very much!

    Thanks for sharing. Very brave of you indeed. I have more respect for you now my friend, even more than before 😀

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  7. drumsticks wrote on Jul 24, 2008 at 11:13 pm

    yes same with Clare.. like the 2nd tattoo best… your current one. like the symbol of the bat. Batman Bong. haha.. j/k. don’t think you need to make it fancier.. its not too simple, not too complex. afterall no one can see it. why don’t you do one on your arm or something so that i don’t have to ask you to strip for me? haha..

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  8. Sarawak Laksa wrote on Jul 24, 2008 at 11:16 pm

    Just don’t ever do it again!!! 😉

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  9. NoktahHitam wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 12:04 am

    ala bong, kau dgn aku same je. beze nye aku pernah bunuh orang. Hahaha.

    Like i said, ‘it takes an idiot to recognize another.’ so bong, nice to finally meet you 😉

    The last one looked a bat trapped on your body. Nice. But if you ask me, it’ll tribal design anyday.

    ps: no one will look at that tatoo, so why?

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  10. melbie wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 9:00 am

    It’s good to know that you’re recovering :up: and hope you’ll be strong till you finally kick off the habit for good 🙂

    as for the tattoo… I gave you my opinion before 😛 since you wear shorts too, why not have one on your leg instead? just an idea hehe … imagine having that naked mermaid on your entire leg.. fuh, lawa bong! hahaha that way, drumsticks doesn’t have to ask you to strip .. but then again, maybe that’s the idea? 😉

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  11. d_sticks wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 9:17 am

    Gua caya sama lu!…..amazing man…keep it up. don’t get back to the devil’s path…if you do want to…just come to my deviant teaching classes..i’ll be more than happy to get another lost soul.

    coming back to the tattoos….i prefer the last one. ganas.
    🙂

    -D

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  12. Amused Taxpayer wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 10:42 am

    Well, don’t we all have some form of addiction or another…..glad you face it head on and overcame it……thumbs up!!

    Your tattoo……hhhmmmm……said it before and I’ll say it again……it looks like some wings off a gargoyle’s back…..cool!!!!

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  13. ellyda wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 10:58 am

    i’m an addict.. not so serious though, coke (coca cola eh bukan cocaine) addict jer..

    ah forget all those things we all made mistakes before.. i know I did, tp regret dah sik boleh ma.. what past is past no matter what other people think or said..

    about your tattoo.. okla ya.. selagi kita sik puas hati kita akan change..

    [Reply]

  14. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 11:03 am

    yeah, you since last time in school with your coke. and fadz. 😀 time rehat mesti ada setin.

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  15. Ashleigh wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    Ah well, nobody’s perfect.

    And I think the last tattoo looks the best. In my opinion, that is. 😆

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  16. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    Thanks babe! 😆

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  17. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    oh? it’s a woman thing? haha! someone messaged me in fb and ended her message with “ps: gay?” hahahahaha!

    yeah, yam seng 👿

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  18. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    hehe.. not funny at that time 😀 i ingat my mom would really chop my hands off haha!

    yes, i do want to make it more tribal-istic. more native look, than just random lines.. (somebody said it looks like an uterus.. 🙄 🙄 )

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  19. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    you definitely a good listener suituapui 🙂 thanks for your help and advice.

    yeah, i understand your concern. i shall evaluate things carefully and plan ahead before making any ‘impulsive’ decision from now on.

    ps: my mom’s bday was on 23rd july 😛

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  20. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 2:34 pm

    er, i have no idea dude, how gambling and tattoo are related. perhaps one scars your life, one scars your body? 😛

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  21. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    garang and manly heh? hahahahahaha!

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  22. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 2:44 pm

    people can see it when i strip ma.. 😛 on special request. :XO: :XO: do it on arm? or somewhere visible? yeah.. in future 😛

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  23. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    beautiful words… thanks for the encouraging words!

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  24. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 3:30 pm

    yesssssshhhh maam!!

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  25. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 3:31 pm

    hmm.. no one will look at that tattoo but myself. it’s a vain thing lah haha!

    ps: nice to meet another idiot 😛

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  26. bongkersz wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    that’s an idea melbie! then i need to cukur my legs. haha!

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  27. mar wrote on Jul 25, 2008 at 11:48 pm

    …wasn’t expecting a full-fledge confession here but BRAVO man! Admitting u had an addiction and am trying to change – that’s a BIG step towards the light. :up: Keep it up! *hugs*

    as for the tattoo, the current one looks nice enuff…the 3rd looks so sharp like rose thorns…and it does look like a uterus. 😆 but it still looks cool….

    Here’s another idea…since you’re keeping the bald look, 👿 how about a tatoo at the back of your head down the back of the neck? ➡

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  28. jadie wrote on Jul 26, 2008 at 11:49 am

    regrets, bad path life…etc..gives colour in LIFE.

    p/s: Clay Aiken-On My Way Here

    [Reply]

  29. melbie wrote on Jul 27, 2008 at 12:41 am

    Use Veet.. much smoother! 😆

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  30. jingoisticbuthornydesperado wrote on Jul 27, 2008 at 5:17 am

    Ok, now i learn something from you today that I don’t. Lol. you know one of Terry Pratchett’s fictional races of the Discworld says we are actually living backward in time.

    this unique species view time this way as well, past is something that you can actually ‘see as though they are right in front of you’, what is in the future is what you can’t see, it is like having something on your back. So future becomes the past. hence we are actually moving backwards in time.

    Something to ponder about 😉

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  31. Zephyr wrote on Jul 27, 2008 at 12:10 pm

    Great design, it would even look better if u hav a fit body (muscular)

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  32. ellyda wrote on Jul 28, 2008 at 9:39 am

    it continues in matrix, in u and now.. now selalu sakit belakang.. the aftermath of coke..

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  33. bongkersz wrote on Jul 28, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    really? sakit belakang? need to cut down on the coke babe! 😀

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  34. bongkersz wrote on Jul 28, 2008 at 1:21 pm

    uh.. i don’t want to tattoo my head. below my neck yes..

    so, uterus = cool? 😀

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  35. bongkersz wrote on Jul 28, 2008 at 1:23 pm

    yessshh!! life should be colourful or else it will be mundane, boring routine.

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  36. bongkersz wrote on Jul 28, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    oh, Discworld is one fine novel 🙂 life is a cycle, you don’t know you are moving forward or backward. ok i am not making any sense hahaha!

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  37. nono wrote on Jul 30, 2008 at 7:49 pm

    so bong tell us, d’u have a muscular body??? ahhahahaha! 😛

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  38. bongkersz wrote on Jul 30, 2008 at 8:55 pm

    😥 don’t have nono.. sob sob..

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  39. Zephyr wrote on Aug 3, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    goods enough to draw some girls attention n become envy of some guys :up:

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  40. andar909 wrote on Aug 11, 2008 at 6:09 am

    hi, andar here, i just read your post. i like very much. agree to you, sir.

    [Reply]

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