I have a fickle mind. It is a weakness. Sometimes I can’t be sure what I really want. For instance, I will try many shirts and pants before deciding what I want to wear. When I buy something, I will scrutinize and test everything before I decide, or I may end up not buying. Indecisiveness. I think some who knows me well can testify for that.
I am also the person that when I want something, I want it at that time, if possible. I do not like to wait when I can get it/do it and this is another weakness. I always do things hastily and sometimes I didn’t put much thought and consideration when doing it. Spur of the moment thing. Yeah, carpe diem heh? Seize the moment by the balls. For some people it is spontaneous and fun, but after much self evaluations and reflections, there are many things that I regretted doing. If I could turn back time, yes I would change all that. I never talk much about things that I regretted doing, only to people I really close with. Perhaps it is time to share some stories.
I am a recovering addict. Yes, you hear that right. I published a post on addiction where I wrote:
“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.“
“All sin tends to be addictive, and the terminal point of addiction is what is called damnation”
Every form of addiction is bad, and all sin tends to be addictive, and the terminal point of addiction is what is called damnation. How true. I am damned now So, what exactly I was addicted to? No, it is not drug. Not sex either. Well I am not so sure about the latter one.
I was a gambling addict. I came to realise that all this time, I was a gambler. Perhaps it started when I was a kid. My dad was a gambler. We had a difficult life back then because of this. I despised him for this, but somehow I ended following his path. Ironic. No I never blame him, I sort of understand his predicament now, putting myself in his shoes. He is a good father. I blame myself, for I should know better with my the brain that I have.
I started gambling early. I remember stealing coins from my mother’s bag. She was working as a bus conductor at that time and she always keep a big amount of coins. I would steal RM5-RM10 (it was a lot for a 10 years kid at that time) and went to my friend’s place to gamble. I lose many times and I stole more money from my mother, eventually she caught me stealing and gave me a very stern warning. I remember she was holding a butcher’s knife in her hand and a paper on another hand telling me to write a ‘statutory declaration’ and swore an oath to never steal again or she would chop my hands off. The ‘statutory declaration’ was pasted on my room, as a reminder. I never dare to steal again after that.
During university time, I started to dabble in soccer gambling. It started with World Cup where I would chip RM20-RM50 for each match. It was a periodic thing at first, then after knowing some friends with access to bookies, it becomes more frequent. Still, it was not that bad because I never had my own gambling account and I had little money to spare at that time.
Fast forward to the time when I started working. A year after working, long story cut short, a friend asked me whether I want to open a gambling account, which me at that time thought “Yeah, why not. Just for fun”. Of course it is great when you win, but sure it is nothing fun when you lose. At that time I was doing good, decent salary, nothing much to spend and pay. Since I had my own gambling account, well it becomes a habit to log on to the website and put a bet. At first, I just bet on major leagues, such as English Premier League, Spain La Liga and Italy Serie A. Then I started to bet on any match available at anytime. Arab leagues, Japan leagues, Thailand leagues, Mexico leagues, Sweden, Norway, Paraguay, Brazil, Under-18, Under-21, friendly matches, woman football, basketball, tennis…. you name it. There are so many matches to bet and I just went crazy, sitting in front of the computer putting my bet. If I was away from computer, I was betting using my mobile. Yes, they have WAP sites for you to check your account and bet.
Was it bad? Hmm.. how about 24/7 on your phone checking the match results and betting amounting to 10-20k a night? I bet without fail days and nights. Thing is when, for many gamblers, when you lose a bet, you started to bet more and more. I was on winning streak at one time and even the bookie was owing me money. It was a euphoric feeling, making you feel high and invicible. You started to think, why I need to work if I can earn a month salary in few days or a night? You have no motivation to work.
Then things went downhill. I started to lose a lot of money and owing the bookies. Well, worry not. I had credit cards. I did cash advance to pay off my debts. Then all my credit cards went burst. Nevemind, I went to borrow personal loan to settle my debts, I borrowed from friends. Then I continue to bet. During that period of time, I was sort of like in a ‘trance’. Dazed and possesed. I refused to admit I was addicted when confronted by people that cares about me. Things then went from bad to worst. By the time I was ‘awake’, I was heavily in debt amounting to 5 figures. I had to cancel (well actually the banks suspended and cut off) my credit cards. My financial status went haywire. My monthly salary, 2/3 of it went to pay off bookies and banks. Well if you ask me now, I have no idea how I survived that period.
I am still paying off my debts now, mostly credit cards. I still owe some of my friends. I feel like a loser, an asshole when I think about this. I seldom talk about this, really. I stop gambling since late last year and well, there were times I still want to give it a shot, to strike gold.. What a laughable and stupid thinking, coming from a person like me. I am glad I am stronger now. I have wasted a lot of time. My financial health is improving and I hope by next year I can start fresh and close this dark chapter of my life behind. I am teribbly sorry for the things I have done and the troubles I caused to people around me. I owe you people, a lot. Thanks for reading 🙂
Hmm, I actually wanted to write about my new tattoo design and started it with how a fickle minded person I am, keep changing the designs even after I inked it. But I end up something totally unrelated with my original post. Ah, reading this blog, you should know how often I always went off the cliff when I write.
My 1st tattoo, it was inked on spur of the moment decision. Not good. I went for cover-up/touch up. Slightly better, but I still do not like it very much. So for the last 2 days, I decided to take the matter into my own hands (literally) and revamped the design again. I never regretted the decision to get inked, despite some ‘minor hiccups’ because I love it very much.
1st tattoo – done hastily.
After re-touched job.
Now I’m thinking to get it revamped again. Ahaks!
ps: I do not need your lectures, so save it. I just need to get it out my system. Fuh.. lega.
pss: You do not see this coming from me, do you? Now you shall change your perception of me, again.